How music connects us.
By: Lila Swedzinski
October 11, 2023
I didn’t fit over Dad’s shoulder, but the strap of a six-string guitar did like a glove. He saved his lullabies for the nameless regulars at the local bar, and I learned to fall asleep in silence.
Only later did I hear echoes of his voice through my own. I’m not quite the rockstar Dad is, but I always said that I got my voice from him.
My parents divorced when I was 3, early enough for me to forget the sounds of shouting in the kitchen and the feeling of being loved effortlessly. Mom got full custody but was kind enough to force Dad to see us a couple times a week. But things don’t fit together just because we want them to.
For so long as a child, all I searched for was a sense of belonging. It was always unnerving to me that it didn’t come naturally with my own father. I tried everything I could to change that. By staying in the moment when I was with Dad, I was able to forget how much it took to get there. Looking back, I now wonder if our connection was there all along.
In between the cracks are the times we’d switch off playing our favorite songs for each other in his truck and the times I’d find myself in a sea of instruments during his band practices.
If I look even further, I can see him handing me a CD that he made with his band in the 90s as he picked me up for school. I was surprised because I’ve always known him to be in bands, but I never knew he had made a record with one of them. He was handing me a slice of a version of him I had missed. I just didn’t know it at the time. So, I thanked him and shoved the CD in my backpack as he pulled out of the driveway.
For years it collected dust on my bookshelf before I decided I needed to listen to it. I can still hear myself huff in frustration as I sifted through the beaten-up electronics section at Goodwill looking for a CD player with a headphone jack. Finally, I found what I was looking for — all I needed were some AAA batteries.
Through my headphones, as I listened to the music Dad made in his 20s, I felt a wave of understanding for the person he was then — the person who had helped write these songs that resonated so much with me. I’ll never forget how connected I felt with him in that moment.
He is lead vocalist on the first track called “I Guess.” As I was listening to that song, I felt like I was hearing him explain actions that he hadn’t yet taken.
“Leaving often times has crossed my mind,” he sang. “Staying doesn’t even satisfy.”
I wonder if he felt that way about my Mom? About my brother and I? It doesn’t really matter to me now. I was just happy to hear him for who he is. Not the man tied down by guilt and resentment. Not the actor playing the part of Dad — just him.
Then the album ended. I disconnected my headphones, and I went to sleep replaying the sounds of Dad’s voice. Finally — a lullaby.
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