The Playground

Feeling alone wasn’t new to me, but being alone was.

By Natasha Delion

I had never felt so independent and free as the day my family dropped me off at my college dorm. I lived in Chicago my entire life and had rarely traveled outside my home city. I was eager to be somewhere new. 

Yet, I spent that first day alone in my room.

Trying to fall asleep that night, my feelings started to change. A bed had never felt so cold and isolating. As I lay there staring at the bleak white ceiling of my new temporary home, I wished I had never left my old one. 

I didn’t know anybody in the Twin Cities except my roommate, whom I met for the first time that day. It turned out, she was rarely in our room, leaving me to be alone for the first time in my life. 

About two weeks later, I started to make friends with the people in my dorm. We went out every weekend and visited places like the Minneapolis Institute of Art, the Mall of America, the Minneapolis Sculpture Garden and music venues. I did what I was excited to do when I first moved, yet when those excursions ended, I was left alone feeling the same as before.

According to the National Institutes of Health, social loneliness refers to the absence of a social circle that helps someone develop a sense of belonging. Emotional loneliness is the absence of someone to turn to, an attachment figure. 

Despite curing my social loneliness, my emotional loneliness lingered. Going from being as close as 36 inches away from my family to 360 miles was a major adjustment. There was nobody there to comfort me when I felt sad, alone and scared. There was just me. 

I took for granted the time I had with my family before I grew up and moved away. Even now, I often mourn the time I wasted. The time that felt everlasting.

Months went by with the same routine every week, with the same people and the same seemingly idle friendships. The emptiness worsened the longer I was there. I considered moving back, but I wasn’t willing to give up so easily.

Being alone isn’t the worst thing in the world if you do it right. For me, that includes a cinnamon spiced vanilla-scented candle, Netflix and my current crochet project. I learned to spend time alone and not feel lonely.

According to Psychology Today, time alone can help you discover yourself, unwind, improve concentration and increase productivity. 

Those aspects didn’t happen immediately, but over time I developed a stronger sense of self that led to more meaningful relationships with others. I was more willing to put myself out there because I knew who I was – I liked that person. 

By no means do I mean spend time alone and focus only on your self-improvement. Do nothing. Sit, watch seven hours straight of Netflix and eat an entire bag of popcorn covered in butter and salt. 

Besides, constant self-improvement can make us feel overwhelmed and reinforce feelings of inadequacy and shame, according to Very Well Mind.

Loneliness is not a feeling that has ever gone away completely. Sometimes, I still find myself alone on a Saturday night wishing I was home with my dog. Although this feeling lingers occasionally, I’ve found self-care remedies for those lonely nights.

I often look forward to a Friday night lying around in my sweats, hair in a messy bun, candles lit and reading a book. Other times, I go out with my friends and have the time of my life. Self-care not only looks differently for everyone but can look different depending on the day.

Now and then, I’ll sit in that loneliness missing my family. Missing the familiarity of four baby blue walls and the warmth of my dog next to me as I drift to sleep dreaming about the prospect of being anywhere else. 

Now I lie in bed, stare at my new bare white ceiling and feel pleased with the silence that comes with being alone. Being alone doesn’t feel so lonely anymore.